Big Trouble on the Little Princess
by Roukanken
Summary: Suika and Yuugi are intergalactic freeloaders, drinking and fighting their way across the galaxy. But when they find themselves press-ganged by the universe's shortest captain, they realise it's time for one heck of a mutiny. (Sci-Fi AU Oneshot)


"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with S."

Suika was slumped back in the co-pilot's seat, one of her horns prodding into Yuugi's shoulder. Her eyes were half closed, misted over as she looked out at the vast expanse of nothing outside of the ship.

"Is it space?" Yuugi said, with a quiet sigh.

"Wow, you're good at this." Suika's eyes opened slightly as a cunning smirk rose to her lips. "Alright, let's try again. I spy-"

"Stars."

"-Whoa." Suika pulled her head back as far as the seat would allow. "Yuugi, are you a mind reader or something? How come you never told me?"

"I'm not a mind reader." Yuugi folded her arms. "It's just that there's _nothing else to see._ "

It had been a few months since the pair had left their home planet, but this was the first time Yuugi had realised just how big the galaxy really was. Distant stars twinkled at her from miles away, tiny lights that illuminated the empty blackness of the vacuum. She might have even found it poetic if she weren't stuck in the middle of it.

"Can I fiddle with the autopilot again?" Suika asked.

"I don't see how that'll help."

"It can't get any more busted than it already is."

Yuugi shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

Suika sat herself upright, cracking her knuckles as she looked at the black rectangle prodding out of the ship's control panel. To be honest, calling it a machine was almost a misnomer at this point - half of its mass was composed of duct tape and anything else that could serve as glue. The lights on its face would occasionally flicker, but it had long since stopped serving its original purpose.

"OK, you mish-mash of microchips." Suika wrapped her fingers around the metal drive, giving it a firm rattle. "Either you come back to life and send us to the nearest solar system, or I'm gonna-"

 **Snap.**

The brittle machinery crumbled in Suika's hand, pieces of scrap falling onto the floor of the ship. The small oni stared at her handiwork for a moment, eyes wide open, like a child who'd just put their guinea pig in the microwave.

"Ummmm." She turned to Yuugi, sweat slipping down her forehead. "Y'think our warranty covers this?"

"We don't have warranty. We stole it, remember?"

"Oh, right." Suika looked at the autopilot for a moment longer, then hurled the remnants of the gadget against the window. "Aaaaah, this sucks worse than a black hole!"

She slumped back into her chair again, cheeks puffed out as she curled up into a ball. Occasionally she'd break into a slew of expletives that would have made even the hardiest admiral uneasy. At one point she grabbed an empty beer can off the ground and stabbed it into her horn solely for catharsis.

 _She's taking it pretty well,_ Yuugi thought to herself. She'd reckoned her partner would have descended into madness after this long. Not from the boredom, though, or even the existential crisis of being an invisible speck on the blackboard of the universe. Suika's concerns were much more...'down-to-earth' was the polite way of putting it.

"What's a girl gotta do to get a drink around here?" Suika removed the pierced can from her horn, running her tongue along the sides in search of a drop of alcohol. "I haven't been this sober in...in...ever."

Yuugi nodded along solemnly. The oni were a race of hard drinkers. Whereas most people would feel ill after having too much to drink, the opposite was true for them. Three days without alcohol had left Yuugi feeling like she was having the worst hangover of her life, but at least she was still mostly coherent. She was lucky enough to be a lightweight by oni standards. Suika, on the other hand...

"Aaah! Yuugi, do you see that?!" The young oni abruptly jumped to her feet, her eyes shining frantically. "It's an oasis! An oasis of beer, right outside the airlock!"

Yuugi sighed. _I retract my previous compliment._

"That's not an oasis, Suika." She placed a hand on her co-pilot's head, slowly pushing her down into her chair. "You're just going ever-so-slightly insane from withdrawal."

"Am not!" Suika pouted, pointing out of the window. "See? Those guys must be here to visit the oasis too!"

"Those guys?" Yuugi raised an eyebrow as she turned to follow Suika's finger. "What are you- _oh._ "

The entire window to Yuugi's left was engulfed by the bow of a massive starship. Its chrome surface was almost painful to the eye, and the needle-shaped cannons along its underside promised pain of the more literal sense. There was a name printed along the side, but the ship was so ridiculously large that Yuugi couldn't see more than a letter or two of it.

"Somebody's overcompensating," she said to herself.

"That's what SHE said," Suika added with a snort.

For a moment, Yuugi pondered her options. Being rescued was the best thing she could ask for at this point. But everything about this new ship reeked of sketchiness. Was it really a good idea to trust them?

As it turned out, she didn't have much of a choice.

"Whaaah!" Suika yelped as the ship jerked to the left, sending her flying into the opposite wall. Yuugi slammed head first into the co-pilot's chair, the horn on her forehead stabbing through the leather. At least it did a good job of stopping her momentum.

"The hell was that?!" Suika shrugged off what should have been a fatal collision, walking away with little more than a bump on the head. "Besides being really really rude."

"It's a tractor beam." Yuugi pulled herself free, her hands running across the control panel. "They're trying to drag us into their docking bay."

Suika pondered the statement for a good five seconds. "Is that a good thing?"

"Given that they didn't warn us about it? Probably not."

Yuugi fired the ship's thrusters at full power, but their engine was too small to escape the beam's pull. All she could do was watch as the battleship grew ever closer, a hole opening in its hull to swallow them up.

"Looks like it's my turn to play," she said, her hands instinctively curling into fists.

"Eh?"

"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with..." She clenched her teeth as their ship was engulfed in darkness. "Trouble."

* * *

The docking bay seemed designed to be as foreboding as possible. Bright lights flickered and danced from all directions, and the ship's walls echoed with a mighty rumble. Yuugi counted at least half a dozen gates closing behind them, each larger and thicker than the last. If she was meant to be frightened, it wasn't working - in fact, the sheer overkill in the design meant she had to fight back a laugh more than anything.

"Why d'ya think they need all those doors?" Suika asked as she scratched her head. "Maybe it's to keep out the salesmen."

"I don't think you get door-to-door salesmen in space," Yuugi said.

"That's what they _want_ you to think."

After several minutes of overly ominous whirring, the tractor beam finally released their cruiser, allowing it to drop to the ground with a quiet clang. Once it was clear the demonstration was over, Yuugi brought up the ship's scanner and gave their surroundings a quick check. No immediate signs of life, but at least the air was breathable.

"Guess we're supposed to go inside," she said to herself.

"I call first dibs when we find the bar." Suika was already out of her seat, pulling open the hatch door. Her priorities were questionable, but Yuugi couldn't argue with her course of action. She followed behind, leaning under the doorway to keep from banging her head.

For how large the docking bay was, there were very few options when it came to exits. The only way out was a pair of double doors carefully placed right in front of the cruiser. It reeked of a trap, but it wasn't like they had any other options. Yuugi pulled open both doors at once, stepping into the room with a mighty flourish.

She was not expecting the confetti that fell all over her.

"Cooooongratulations!" A cheery voice boomed out of a nearby speaker as the floor tiles exploded into colour. "You're the first ultra-lucky spacefarers to be selected for our crew! Let's give our new friends a big round of applause!"

The rattling of metal-on-metal brought Yuugi's danger senses to attention again. Eight humanoid robots stepped forward, circling her as they clapped in her apparent celebration. Just a quick glance at their hardware said that they were relatively advanced.

"What's going on?" Suika stepped in afterwards, kicking at the fallen confetti before a revelation struck her. "Oh crap! You never told me it was your birthday, Yuugi! I would've got you something."

"It's not my birthday." Yuugi stepped forward, hands clenching into fists as she turned to the nearest robot. "Hey, junkpile. Who's in charge around here?"

The android cut its clapping subroutine short, pointing to a large screen that took up the entirety of the opposite wall. With another flicker it jumped to life, a giant face projected across every inch of the surface.

"You called?"

Yuugi looked the face over for a few moments. It was a little girl, undoubtedly - her proportions gave that away, and she had cheeks that looked made to be pinched. Her hair was tied up in short, clean violet strands, clearly the result of some careful attention. She wore the grin of a swindler who'd just separated a sucker from his life savings.

Definitely a kid, Yuugi thought. But that was no reason to take her lightly.

"Well, that was fast." Yuugi placed her elbow on the android's shoulder. It squirmed for a moment before resigning to its new duty as furniture. "OK, kid. You've got a lot of explaining to do."

"Of course! I love a good chance to talk about myself."

The girl stepped back from the screen slightly. A flowing, translucent kimono hung from her shoulders, with a more typical bodysuit visible underneath.

"I am Shinmyoumaru Sukuna, and I'm the captain of the Little Princess. You will refer to me as Captain Sukuna at all times - not Miss Sukuna, not Shinmyoumaru, and NEVER Shinnie. It's a stupid name and I hate it."

"You're the captain of this thing?" Yuugi's eyes widened. "I figured you were playing around how your dad wasn't looking."

"How rude!" Shinmyoumaru puffed her cheeks out. "I'll have you know this entire battleship is my handiwork. Even the state-of-the-art mechanoid you're currently leaning on."

Yuugi held back a chuckle. State-of-the-art? These machines were impressive, but they weren't THAT good. She'd seen much better in her time travelling. Still, for one girl to be responsible for all of this was somewhat impressive.

"Hey, quit using all those long words." Suika stumbled over, hopping onto Yuugi's shoulders in a mandatory piggyback. "Are you gonna share the booze oasis with us or not?"

Shinmyoumaru looked Suika over, her expression paling slightly. "Uh...is she okay? She seems sort of inebriated."

"You get used to her." Yuugi gave Suika a gentle nudge, and the oni promptly crashed back to the floor. "So what's this about being part of your crew?"

"Oh! Well, I figured that was self explanatory." Shinmyoumaru rubbed her nose before placing her hands firmly on her hips. "The two of you seem like you'd make excellent underlings, and thus I'm giving you both the chance to be my second-in-command."

"That high up already?" Yuugi raised an eyebrow. "How many crew members do you have on this ship?"

"Dozens of them! I mean, they're all robots, but that probably still counts." Shinmyoumaru tugged at her collar for a brief moment. "But you'll be entitled to room and board, as well as being part of what will soon be the most terrifying battleship in the galaxy! How could anyone turn down an opportunity like that?"

Yuugi narrowed her eyes. Even if she could take this girl at her word, long-term employment was hardly her style. Duty and responsibility were words meant for other people; she was a free spirit, going wherever and doing whatever she pleased.

"I like the cut'a your jib, Cap'n." Suika grabbed Yuugi's arm for support as she struggled back to her feet again. "Count me in."

"Suika?!" Yuugi shoved her android armrest away. "How can you be okay with-"

"Think of it this way, Yuugi. We're gonna be sailors. And you know what sailors do all day?" Suika winked. "They get wasted on rum and grog, of course!"

"That's true, but-"

"I hate to disappoint you, but we're not that kind of ship." Shinmyoumaru folded her arms, pulling the sternest look her baby-face could manage. "Drinking on the job is a duty strictly reserved for the captain."

"Oh." The eager light in Suika's eyes went out in an instant. "Never mind. Let's ditch this joint."

"That's more like it." Yuugi gave her partner a quick bump on the shoulder before turning back to the screen. "Thanks for the offer, but we'll pass. Though if we could hitch a ride to the nearest star system, that'd be awesome."

Shinmyoumaru went quiet, pondering her response for a few moments. Her other hand drifted off screen, and Yuugi could hear the faint click of keyboard strokes.

"I don't think you two understand the situation." The young girl smirked. "This isn't an offer. From today onward, you're going to work for me."

Yuugi sucked in a breath. "And if we refuse?"

"Then things start getting painful."

A beep of confirmation came from Shinmyoumaru's screen. The robots in the room jerked to attention, the green lights in their eye sockets warping into a murderous red. They lowered themselves into fighting stances, whirring ominously as they formed a circle around the two oni.

"Alpha Squad!" With a smug grin, Shinmyoumaru rubbed her palms together. "Show our newcomers what happens to mutineers."

The robot Yuugi had been leaning on was the first to approach. It was hard to be sure, but it almost seemed like this bucket of bolts was smart enough to hold a grudge. It slowly pulled one arm backwards, charging up a catastrophic punch.

"And again with the fighting," Suika said, swinging around to stand back-to-back with Yuugi. "Why can't we just skip to this part?"

"The law's not too keen on letting you beat people up." Yuugi cracked her knuckles. "But as long as we can call it self-defense-"

Before she could finish, the armrest robot dashed forward with a devastating haymaker. Yuugi casually swerved to the side, clenching one hand around the extended forearm.

"-we can do whatever we want!"

With a sharp tug, Yuugi pulled the robot's arm clean off. She used the moment of bewilderment to follow through, burying its still-clenched fist inside its own face. The machine let out a morose beeping noise before collapsing to the ground.

"Wha-" Shinmyoumaru's mouth hung open. "How did you-"

"You tried to pressgang the wrong pair, _Shinnie._ " Yuugi pounded a fist against her chest. "And once I'm done playing with your toys, you're next."

Shinmyoumaru's face went sheer white. Yuugi almost felt like a bully, reducing a little girl to a trembling wreck like this. Luckily, Shinmyoumaru's next order put an end to her guilt.

"ALPHA SQUAD! ANNIHILATE THEM!"

The machines lurched forward, their attack protocols bursting to life at once. Yuugi toppled the closest with a quick sweep, then slammed her foot into its chest as she ran across it. That left only four opponents, and now they wouldn't be coming from all sides.

"Man, you guys _suck._ " Suika staggered around the battlefield, bobbing and weaving around the two robots targeting her. "I could take all twelve of you without breaking a sweat."

Her unintentional comedy aside, Yuugi had to agree with Suika. These machines packed a punch, but they were slower than a block of concrete and about as intelligent. Even in her less-than-healthy mental state, it was laughably easy to run rings around them.

The two machines heading Yuugi's way were at least smart enough to flank her. They both pulled back for horribly telegraphed punches, their motions perfect mirror images of each other. Yuugi held her ground, waiting for the last possible moment before leaping out of the way. The robots ended up swinging into each other, each knocking the other's head clean off of its neck.

"Hmph. Here I was getting my hopes up for some action." Yuugi sighed, brushing at her shoulder. "You alright over there, Suika?"

"I think so." Suika had turned her two adversaries into a giant knot, wrapping their limbs around each other in a nigh-impossible configuration. "We're not supposed to fight the pink elephants, are we?"

"Not yet, no." Yuugi looked back to the screen, pounding a fist into her palm. "Well, Shinnie? Feeling any more charitable?"

Shinmyoumaru's mouth bobbed open and shut for a few seconds. "O-Okay, so maybe that batch wasn't my finest work. But you won't be half as lucky against Bravo Squad! Or Charlie, or Delta, or-"

"So you're not surrendering, then." Yuugi smirked. "Good. That means I get to vent a little more stress."

"D-Don't interrupt me!" Shinmyoumaru puffed out her cheeks. "This is MY ship, and that means I get to make the rules! So you'd better stop when-"

The picture cut out abruptly, leaving Yuugi staring at a blank screen.

"Good. She finally shut up." Suika swung the monitor's disconnected power cable over her head. "Sorry, that girl's voice just made me wanna puke."

Yuugi opened her mouth to object, then thought better of it. "Probably a good idea. She wasn't going to say anything else useful anyway."

"So what's the plan?" Suika asked. "Wait around for the next wave?"

"Nah, that'll take too long." Yuugi turned to the far end of the room, with two corridors opening up in opposite directions. "I say we split up and try to find the bridge. Captain Shortie's probably controlling all the machines from there, so our best plan is to...'convince' her to stop."

"We're really gonna convince her? I thought we'd just knock her lights out."

"We are. That was a euphemism." Yuugi started walking toward the right pathway. "I'll take this side. Try not to throw up on anything important, alright?"

"Can't make any promises!"

Suika waved Yuugi farewell as she delved further into the battleship. Given the sheer size of the vessel, this was going to take quite a while. She'd end up running into another squad of defense bots eventually.

As her hands clenched into fists, she hoped they'd at least put up more of a fight.

* * *

"So what squad are we at now? I forget."

Yuugi spoke to an empty corridor, throwing away the breastplate of the android lying crumpled at her feet. Odds were that the captain had speakers throughout the ship, so she would hear every little thing Yuugi had to say. For that reason, the oni made sure to make her words as aggravating as possible.

"Is this X-Ray Squad? Zulu? I think you're running out of letters at this point."

In truth, the newer squads were a bit tougher than their predecessors. They were starting to fight less like robots and more like actual people. Maybe Little Miss Halfpint was feeding them the data from the previous battles to give them more of a chance.

If that was the case, Yuugi couldn't afford to wait around. She still wasn't in peak condition, and too much fighting would wear her out. If she ran out of cheap tricks before the captain ran out of robots, things could go pear-shaped very quickly. Not that she was planning to let that concern show on her face, of course.

"I'm getting close, aren't I? I'll bet you kept your best guards around the bridge so I wouldn't get the drop on you."

Yuugi kept her ears perked in the ensuing silence. If her hunch was right, her target was about to give herself away.

"...Muuu..."

Sure enough, a faint growling came from the corridor to her left. All that goading had finally worn away at the girl's composure. Yuugi kept her mouth shut, moving ever closer to the source of the noise.

"...I'll bet she thinks she's so great." As she drew closer, Yuugi could hear more and more of the captain's temper tantrum. "Just 'cause she's so tall. Size doesn't matter THAT much, dammit!"

 _Says the girl who made her flagship two miles long,_ Yuugi thought to herself. A few twists and turns later, she was confronted with a large set of double doors. This was undoubtedly the bridge, and the source of Shinmyoumaru's whining. Yuugi paused for a moment, waiting for the best moment to barge in.

"I'd like to see her talk like that to my face," the captain continued. "Her and me, one-on-one. We'll see how smug she is when she's just a smudge on the-"

That was Yuugi's cue to punch a hole in the bridge door. The squeal that came from inside was immensely satisfying for the oni.

"Kyaah! H-Haven't you ever heard of knocking?!"

"Not really a concept on my home world." Yuugi kicked at the hinge of the shattered door, knocking it clean off its hinges. "Don't let me interrupt you, Shinnie. What were you saying?"

The bridge was more open than Yuugi had expected, spanning twenty feet in every direction. Control panels and dashboards covered the walls, but there was oddly little in the way of furniture. There was only a single chair at the head of the bridge, with a small staircase sitting beside it. As the chair spun around to face her, Yuugi thought she was ready to face down her aggressor.

She couldn't have been more wrong.

"Honestly, I can't believe how rude you are!" the tiny figure on the chair replied. "Trashing my attendants, barging into my command center, and all because I offered you a job!"

Shinmyoumaru walked down the steps off of her chair, a staircase that was taller than she was. If she stretched up on her tiptoes, she might have just been tall enough to reach Yuugi's knee. In spite of the height difference the inchling stomped forward with a determined gait, murmuring something unpleasant beneath her breath.

That was it. That was all Yuugi could handle. All her calm and patience fell away as she collapsed into side-splitting laughter.

"Ahahaha! Holy shit, that's priceless! I figured you'd be a piece of work, kid, but..." She couldn't even finish the sentence before the giggles struck her again.

"W-What's so funny?!" Shinmyoumaru's face grew increasingly red. "I'm the captain of this ship, remember? That means you've got to treat me with respect!"

"Yeah, yeah, sorry." Yuugi struggled to keep a straight face. "Hey, is that why they call you Captain Shinnie? 'Cause you're about as tall as my shin?" Another outburst of laughter ensued, with Yuugi leaning on the control panel to keep herself from falling over.

Shinmyoumaru's face continued to darken until it was a raw shade of crimson. She came to a stop on a small circle on the floor and folded her arms.

"I was going to ask you to reconsider working for me. You and your friend know how to take care of yourselves." The inchling stamped down with one foot. "But if you're just going to treat me like a practical joke, then I'll have to pound you into space dust!"

"Ooooh, scary!" Yuugi tittered, cupping one hand around her mouth. "What're you gonna do? Stub my toes until I fall over?"

Shinmyoumaru smiled. "You're gonna regret talking to me like that, punk."

The circle she was standing on began to descend into the ground, taking her with it. Within seconds she was out of sight, with nothing but the whirrs and clicks of machinery in her wake. As the hole in the floor began to widen, Yuugi's laughing fit came to a sudden halt.

"Well, fuck."

A giant robot rose up from the ground, almost as tall as the room was high. Every joint and muscle was covered in a glimmering chrome plating that looked ten times sturdier than the garbage the droids were using. Steam hissed from the knuckles of its overgrown fists, and a hammer the size of Yuugi was clenched in its right hand. A glass window on the center of its chest showed Shinmyoumaru at the controls, her eyes shining with giddy confidence.

"As I was saying..." She raised her arm, and her machine lifted its hammer above its head. "Let's see how proud you are after I've squashed you like a goddamn fly!"

Yuugi leaped backwards as the hammer hurtled down, leaving a crater in the ground where she had been standing. It wasn't just bigger than the rest of the machines; it was faster and stronger as well.

The oni grinned. Maybe this fight would be interesting after all.

"Eat this!"

Shinmyoumaru brought the mallet around in a wide, sweeping arc. Yuugi leaped over the attack, charging towards the machine as she stretched her arm out for a lariat. Her attack splintered the armour on the creature's knee, but managed nothing beyond cosmetic damage.

"That almost tickled," the inchling said. "My turn!"

The leg Yuugi had attacked kicked out at her, forcing the oni to roll away. She made another attempt to strike at the weakened knee, but Shinmyoumaru's swings forced her to keep her distance. Going in without a plan wasn't going to work here.

 _I need a distraction,_ she thought to herself between short, hard breaths. _Having Suika around would be really handy right now..._

After another round of bobbing and weaving, Yuugi was hit with a wave of inspiration. As she dodged around another deadly punch, she took hold of the control panel beneath her and ripped it out of the floor.

"H-Hey, what are you doing?!" Shinmyoumaru smacked a fist against the glass. "Do you have any clue how long that took to install?!"

Yuugi wasn't listening to the inchling's tirade. She tossed the panel forward, sending it hurtling towards the robot's cockpit. Shinmyoumaru gasped, bringing both arms up to protect herself.

 _Now!_

Yuugi leaped on the opportunity, running straight for the robot's knee. This time she went for a devastating drop kick, bending the limb in a direction legs weren't made to go. Shinmyoumaru stumbled backwards a few paces, a noticeable limp in her robot's step.

"T-That wasn't fair!" The inchling and her machine flailed their arms around in protest. "You can't use my own ship against me!"

"Last I checked, there's only one rule in a good old-fasioned brawl." Yuugi jumped back to her feet, recovering her battle stance. "And that's that the winner is the last one standing!"

She gave her strategy another try, tearing another piece of priceless hardware out of the ground. Again, she threw it right at Shinmyoumaru herself; again, the inchling had to focus her attention on blocking the projectile. She'd found her opponent's weakness, and she'd exploit it as many times as she could.

Or so she thought.

"Amanojaku System, online!"

As Yuugi made to land the final strike, her feet suddenly lost their grip on the floor. Her punch whiffed entirely, and her head spun as the momentum sent her flying across the room.

It took her a few moments to realise she was standing on the ceiling.

"What the hell...?"

Yuugi's stomach churned at the sight of the inverted world. The broken machinery she'd flung about had drifted to the ceiling as well, as if gravity had been flipped on its head. Only Shinmyoumaru and her machine were immune, hands on their hips as they chuckled to themselves.

"Bet you thought you had it all wrapped up, didn't you?" Shinmyoumaru pointed to a small compartment beneath the cockpit, its arrow pointing up towards the ceiling. "This right here is my magnum opus, the Amanojaku System! With this machine, I can turn gravity in any direction I see fit - for everything except me, of course."

She goaded Yuugi on with a single, taunting finger. "Well? Where's all that confidence now?"

Yuugi grunted. She wasn't about to let a pint-sized runt talk to her like that. She broke into a run, jumping forward to pounce on the machine's head.

"Down."

The Amanojaku System clicked, its arrow turning in the opposite direction. Yuugi's head spun as gravity changed its course again, sending her tumbling towards the floor. The mallet caught her in mid-air, hitting her with a devastating force.

"Aaaagh!"

Yuugi roared in pain as she slammed into the wall. The dull ache of her hangover was screaming in the back of her head, her heart ready to burst in her chest. Before she could get her bearings the gravity shifted again, this time sending her right into the opposite corner of the room.

"Ready to give up yet?" Shinmyoumaru wasn't even trying to attack anymore, letting the changing gravity do the work for her. "If you apologise for mocking me, I might not have to pulverise you."

Yuugi's head was a muddy swirl of fury and adrenaline. She was too proud to concede defeat, but she couldn't come up with a plan of attack. For all her might, she wasn't strong enough to overrule the laws of physics itself. Maybe she'd be capable of it in her prime, but now her sobriety was going to be the death of her.

"Stubborn to the end, I see." Shinmyoumaru shrugged, then pulled her mallet back for the killing blow. "I'll send the bill for the damages to your next of kin. So long-!"

Yuugi tensed herself as the hammer came crashing towards her. She couldn't dodge it. She couldn't block it. She could only watch as her end drew ever closer-

Only for her to be carried away by a speck of light.

"Wha-" Shinmyoumaru clutched at her controls. "What the hell was-"

Yuugi was as baffled as the inchling was. Her saviour stood firmly on the bridge's floor, in spite of the Amanojaku System's influence. She only put the pieces together when a familiar voice spoke up.

"I have to bail you out of everything, don't I?"

Suika carried the taller oni without any semblance of effort. She spoke sharply and cleanly, with no sign of her previous slur. Even her skin looked more vibrant, like a light bulb inside her body had just been turned on.

Yuugi could only think of one explanation.

"You're drunk."

"For the first time in WAY too long." She grabbed at a half-full bottle of alcohol clipped to her belt. "Found this in the captain's quarters. This stuff's incredible, Yuugi. It's the kind of shit people pour into their eyeballs to get wasted."

"Wait, that's-" Shinmyoumaru slammed her mallet against the wall. "That's a priceless inchling vintage! I was saving it for when I was finally old enough to drink!"

"Sorry, kiddo. Finders keepers." Suika slipped the bottle into Yuugi's hand. "Go wild, Yuugi. This one's on me."

Yuugi pulled the cork so hard she almost ripped it in half. With one hearty chug she let the bottle's contents gush down her throat, barely tasting the drink as it went down. That was for the better - it had the wretched aftertaste of battery fluid.

Seconds later, Yuugi felt like she'd just come back from the dead.

 _"Awwww, shit yes."_ Yuugi stepped out of Suika's hands, standing firmly on what should have been the wall. "Suika, I love you."

"I love me too." Suika looked back to the robot as she cracked her knuckles. "Mind if I back you up?"

"Why not? The more, the merrier." Yuugi pointed straight at Shinmyoumaru, a devilish smile rising to her face. "So, Shinnie, where were we again?"

The inchling's face seemed trapped between disgust and despair. She sent the gravity hurtling every direction she could - up, down, left, right. But whatever she tried, the oni refused to budge from where they were standing.

"W-What's going on?" Her expression grew more and more desperate with each failed effort. "Why aren't you falling like you're supposed to?!"

"You think you're the only one who can screw with gravity?" Yuugi gave her partner a quick nod. "Suika, show her what I'm talking about."

"Okie dokie!" The small oni rubbed her palms together, flickers of electricity dancing between her fingers. A small sphere began to form between her hands, drawing in stray pieces of debris and consuming them.

"You're kidding me..." The colour drained from Shinmyoumaru's face. "Is that a black hole?!"

"Damn straight." Suika pulled her arm back. "Though if you don't believe me, you oughta take a look for yourself!"

She threw the tiny black hole between the robot's legs, letting it lodge in the back of the room. Within seconds it was sucking in everything in reach, including Shinmyoumaru and her machine.

"No, no, no!" Shinmyoumaru pushed her mecha onward, still limping as it struggled to fight the black hole's pull. "You're cheaters! Both of you!"

"And we already went over this." Yuugi ran in to land the finishing blow. "Anything's fair, as long as you win!"

Her hand slammed into the glass window, shattering it into a hundred pieces. She grabbed Shinmyoumaru out of the cockpit with her other hand, pulling her to safety as the black hole's pull grew even tighter.

"Nooooooo!" Shinmyoumaru reached out to her crumbling robot, tears forming in her eyes. "My masterpiece!"

The robot seemed to reach out in response, making one last effort at a salute before folding in on itself. The black hole hungrily devoured every scrap of the machine, like a glutton finishing every crumb of food on their plate.

"Aaaaand done."

Suika clapped her hands together, and the black hole shrank away into nothingness. Most of the bridge had remained intact - the parts Yuugi hadn't torn off, at least - but there wasn't a trace of the robot to be seen.

"Nice work, Suika." Yuugi gave her partner a fistbump in congratulation. "You saved my ass back there."

"Don't I always?" Suika ran a hand through her hair as she puffed out her chest. "So what're we gonna do with Captain Five-Inch?"

Yuugi looked down at Shinmyoumaru. The inchling had given up on resisting, murmuring to herself about fairness and expenses. When she looked up at Yuugi, it was with an expression that begged and pleaded for mercy.

"Beating up a kid would leave a bad taste in my mouth. Though I'm sure she won't mind us asking her for a little favour." Yuugi gave Shinmyoumaru's hair a nice hard ruffle. "Isn't that right, Captain Shinnie?"

Shinmyoumaru puffed out her cheeks in one last attempt to intimidate the oni. A long hard glare from Yuugi extinguished the last of her stubbornness.

"Muuuuu..." At last, the inchling slumped forward in defeat. "Just don't take anything too important, okay?"

* * *

"Y'know what? I'd say today went pretty well."

Yuugi nodded in agreement as she clinked her beer bottle against Suika's. Their demands had been relatively meagre, in all honesty - a replacement for their broken autopilot, and the contents of the ship's wine cellar. The latter had been a bigger haul than they'd expected - Shinmyoumaru must have really been looking forward to her eighteenth birthday.

"You think the kid's going to be alright?" Suika asked, as the Little Princess slowly drifted into the distance. "We did wreck most of her stuff."

"Eh, she'll be fine." Yuugi shrugged. "If she built the whole thing by herself, nothing's stopping her from putting it back together, right?

"I s'pose." Suika leaned back in her seat. "Think she'll find a better way to recruit her crew?"

"For her sake? I hope so." Yuugi downed half her bottle in one shot. "She should view this whole thing as a learning experience, in my opinion."

"Even the part where we held her up by the collar and let her flail about for five minutes?"

"That's a lesson in humility." Yuugi pressed a few buttons on the panel, and the new autopilot jumped to life. "So where should we head today?"

"Hmmm..." Suika pondered the question deeply, resting her chin on her hand. "Any sectors nearby with a pirate infestation?"

Yuugi smiled. "You want to get in another fight already?"

"Actually, all that talk about rum got me real thirsty." Suika gave her stomach a pat. "We're in peak condition now. Feel like separating another captain from his grog?"

Yuugi was relatively sure that pirates and rum didn't actually go together anymore. Still, the thought of another brawl brought a certain fire pulsing through her veins.

"Sure, why not?" After some consideration, she gave Suika a thumbs up. "Let's go looking for trouble together."

Suika grinned as she brought the engines to life. "I love it when you say that."


End file.
